


your pulse in the pages (your warmth in every new dawn)

by mityas (yunakims)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Letters, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester Needs a Hug, Multi, byleth doesn't know how to deal with grief, heck EVERYONE needs a hug in here, sorry claude i love you, will not tag mari/hilda and cy/sithea but they are Mentioned, yeah thats. thats a sad tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23253379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunakims/pseuds/mityas
Summary: "He may not say it, but I am more than certain that not a day goes by where he does not think of you, and what could have been."Byleth does not know how to deal with grief. Hilda tells her to write about it.
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	your pulse in the pages (your warmth in every new dawn)

**Author's Note:**

> i was thinking about how claude's real name is khalid, and how lots of sources say that it means 'eternal.' and then i was like, "what would happen if claude d-worded in almyra all of a sudden. wouldn't that be ironic haha" and then, claurenz feelings took over. 
> 
> and then i cried and ended up writing this.
> 
> uhm. enjoy? ovo

_The Royal Library of Fódlan_

_Letter from Queen Byleth Eisner of the United Kingdom of Fódlan to the late King Claude von Riegan of Almyra, Imperial Year 1194_

* * *

Dear Claude,

I had not even the slightest idea that you would be taken from us so soon.

As I write this letter, it is a cold night under the Pegasus Moon skies, and it has been many, many moons since you were laid to rest. **~~I have long since stopped counting.~~** You must be content to sleep alongside your dear wyvern. You may in all likelihood already know this, but she left us in her sleep as well, quietly and peacefully at the same exact time as you did.

I can with conviction say that I still am and forever will be baffled by how loyal her heart is; how utterly devoted and connected you two are to each other.

You may have noticed that I had a statue of you erected in Derdriu. I figured that you would like it, as I instructed the sculptors to make sure they give your trademark smirk justice. The statue will be a symbol of your honor as the one who truly unified Fódlan.

**~~But the statue is not you. Of course it is not.~~ **

I did not know what to do with the information that your real name ~~**is**~~ was Khalid. I have always known you as Claude. But Khalid is a beautiful name; it suits you. It sounds regal and fit for a king. I have yet to ask anyone what it truly means, though, so I am saying this purely on instinct. I might ask Cyril the next time I come across him here in the palace.

But I digress.

I still do not know how to deal with loss. Having mentioned this to Hilda in passing, I was told to try writing about how I feel, but I cannot simply do so. That is why I am addressing you instead. There are countless things I wish to say, so bear with me, if you would please.

**~~H~~ ~~ow dare you leave us so sudd~~**

**~~Why did you go so soo~~ **

**~~You still had so much to live for.~~ **

Claude, it truly, truly pains me to outlive you.

It always felt as if you were made to live forever, with your sage green eyes piercing the skies far better than any arrow from Failnaught ever could. I know you have not deemed yourself finished, Claude— I know that you still had many schemes to devise and plans to make. That is the reason your sudden departure pains me so, I used to tell myself, rationalizing and distancing myself from the situation. However, I know better now. I am wounded so deeply by your death simply because you are my dearest **~~student. ally.~~** friend.

But that is not what I want to tell you. I felt it necessary to inform you of what everyone is doing now, seeing as you must be eager to know. You always hated being left out, after all.

I hear Ignatz is pursuing his real passion along with his wife. I have not heard word from him since we last saw each other at Derdriu, but I was told that he is travelling to see the true beauty of Fódlan and relay it through his paintings. Raphael was the one who told me this when I visited the little inn he is managing in his hometown.

Interestingly, the woman Ignatz has married just so happens to be Raphael’s sister. A beautiful coincidence, is it not? She is a charming lady with talents that are second to none. As per my last correspondence with Raphael, she and Ignatz are working on a large portrait of you. I asked not what they plan to do with it, but it is likely that they will be exhibiting it as a tribute to you. Do look at it if you can. I am sure that it will be a fine piece of art.

The job of a mercenary is Leonie’s calling. You would think that she would be used to it by now, but whenever the people call her Blade Breaker, she still cannot help but smile giddily. I had a drink with her a few moons after you passed, and it quickly dissolved into nothing but a festival of tears between the two of us. We kept remembering you, Claude. She told me she kept seeing you in taverns. I told her I kept seeing you organizing your strategies in the library. **~~What I didn't tell her is that I see you in the daylight, in the sunrays that dare peek through the gaps between the curtains.~~** She copes through humor— as tears fell from her eyes, she kept repeating that you were supposed to pay all of her tavern tabs, that you promised to do so, that you schemed against her. I can tell how much she misses you.

Lysithea likes to think that I have not seen her leave flowers at your statue in Derdriu. But I have, multiple times. I have asked around and found out that the white Fayrus flowers she always leaves on your memorial meant, ‘I will pray for you.’ I was told by an advisor that they are native to your treasured Almyra. How she had gotten hold of them in the first place is a mystery, but does that really matter? She is Lysithea, after all.

She is, in the simplest sense, fine. The extensive research she has been doing with Hanneman in Ordelia territory is paying off, as she told me that they are close to uncovering a way to extend her lifespan. I was delighted to hear this. I know you are, too, for you cherished her like a little sister. Cyril stands by her side now. Surely you must be aware that he harbors romantic feelings for her, no? Well, he has not taken any steps to pursue her. He is happy to just stand beside her, helping when he can and taking care of her if need be. Currently, though, he is staying here at the palace to spend time with the Knights. 

Marianne has been working tirelessly at her father’s territory to help improve the trade policies even more. A few moons ago, she told me that Dorte the horse has mated with a lovely mare from the House of Edmund, and that she has named the resulting foal Khalid, in memory of you. I have yet to actually see him, but she tells me that he is as mischievous as a young horse can be.

Hilda seems to be well. The artisan academy she founded is the best in the entire continent. She sends me little handcrafted trinkets that I have come to treasure. I want to say her demeanor has not changed in the slightest, but that would be unfair of me. Some of the changes I have seen in her are how much softer her eyes are when she is looking at Marianne, and how real her smiles are when Marianne is telling her her little stories. I suppose you must have known about this side of Hilda way longer than me, but I still wanted to say it in lieu of asking you to keep a watchful eye on them. Knowing you, you are in all probability already doing so. I need not ask.

Still, I can see that there is something missing in Hilda. She misses you most dearly, Claude. I see it through the cracks in her façade that I have come to be familiar with. I fear that she will never be the same without you **~~being a ‘nuisance’ (as she claims)~~** at her side. I am sure, though, that she will live her life to the fullest with you in mind.

And Lorenz…

He is still exceptionally talented when it comes to politics, as he is both the leader of House Gloucester and a trusted advisor to the Queen of Fódlan. He is doing great at these roles. However, there is no doubt that some of it is just him throwing himself into work to try and get over the fact that he has lost you.

The genuine happiness he found fighting with us in the war is completely gone. He is my closest supporter as leader of the Kingdom, just as you told him he will be. I have been keeping watch over him ever since you passed— I can see how much sorrow has filled his heart; how his grief changed him. He rarely smiles now, Claude. It hurts to see sometimes.

A few moons ago, I told him to rest for a while at the Gloucester estate because I did not want him to be so exhausted. He refused at first, citing that it is his noble duty to serve as my advisor and must be with me at most, if not all times. The only way I could get him to rest was to command him to.

I understand it is hard for him to simply leave his role, so I agreed to have correspondence with him, but he has long given up on making his letters about work. I always responded as a close friend, not as the Queen. He is able to do the same now.

We do not talk about you, Claude. I feel as though even one mention of your name would shatter his heart, so I have not dared to bring you up.

I think he knows that I know about the two of you, but he has not acknowledged it even once.

Lorenz recently published a collection of his poems. It received high praises almost immediately. He is an excellent poet, highly regarded now by the people of Fódlan. The poems of Count Lorenz Hellman Gloucester are said to be sad, nostalgic, and having a propensity for making any reader feel hollow inside. They are said to have a unique feeling to them. But I know what that feeling is. It is you, Claude. He is always waiting for you to suddenly appear to him. His heart will always and forever be waiting for you.

Here is an excerpt from one of his poems. It is my favorite, as he is so obviously talking about you, which is not something he does with me anymore.

_I freeze and burn,_

_Love is bitter and sweet,_

_My sighs are tempests and my tears are floods,_

_I am in ecstasy and agony,_

_I am possessed by memories of us_

_And I am in exile from myself._

It is as lovely as it is sad. He may not say it, but I am more than certain that not a day goes by where he does not think of you, and what could have been.

I do wish you would watch over him whenever I cannot.

The Golden Deer are still close friends. We all found family in each other. This could not have happened if not for you. We are bound by the certainty of your existence. Your legacy, your memory… we only hope we can preserve it together. Everyone carries a piece of you in their hearts. You are still the one we look to for inspiration. Yes, you.

As for me… I wish to live a long life. I want to keep seeing your spirit live on within everyone.

You left us too early, Claude. And for no good reason. You were there, and then you were just not. As if we had not defeated the bandits on that radiant dawn. As if they have stolen you from us, without as much as a trace. If I had not known any better, I would say that this was just another one of your schemes; that we buried an empty casket, and you are living somewhere far away, tending to your precious lady wyvern. But I do know better. If you had planned this, you would have given yourself a more impressive cause of death.

Then again, I might be giving you too little credit. Perhaps dying in your sleep all of a sudden is quite like you. Quiet. **~~Peaceful.~~** Clandestine.

~~**I cannot decide. Perhaps I still do not understand your enigmatic existenc** ~~

I comfort myself in knowing that at the very least, you died in the land closest to your heart, and that you are resting now.

You always acted like I was a friend rather than your professor, even when we first met. I guess it could not be helped that we came to have that exact relationship with each other. I was still young and acted like I did not appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness, but deep down I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed every moment we spent together, all the plans we made work, and even all the plans that failed. I thoroughly enjoyed the time you graced me with, Claude.

I regret not having told you all of this when you were still here with us, but there is nothing I can do. 

We miss you very much. 

I miss you very much.

Always and sincerely yours,

Byleth Eisner

* * *

P.S. Shortly after writing this letter to you, I finally got around to asking Cyril if he knew what the name 'Khalid' meant in Almyran. He said it meant 'eternal.' So I was right— it does fit you. You will live forever, in everything. I will feel your pulse in the pages of your old journals, and I will feel your warmth in every new dawn. You are eternal.

**Author's Note:**

> i love you khalid von riegan :--(( sorry for killing u babe i swear on sothis that i didn't intend for this to happen SKJHKSDJ,, everyone is free to come yell @ me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/mityahs)


End file.
